I Feel like a Less Mom

by: Eliel Resia Allosada

“Giving birth should be your greatest achievement, not your greatest fear”  – Jane Wildeman

As a first-time mom, I have every preparation in my pregnancy. I don’t miss my prenatal check-ups, drink vitamins, and always follow what my Ob-gynecologist says to me. I will say that my whole pregnancy was high-risk. During my first trimester, I need to take complete bed rest and need to take medicine so that I will not have a miscarriage. My Ob says that there is a possibility that I will lose my baby and that I need to very careful.

In my 2nd trimester, I and my baby are doing great, though I still need to very careful, the chance of having a miscarriage is only low. I stop drinking medicine for avoiding miscarriage. It was good news and an answered prayer! I don’t want to lose my baby and knowing that I can lose my baby gives me so much stress during my first trimester.

My 3rd trimester was shaky again. My Ob advises me to take medicine and have a complete bed rest so that I will not have a pre-term labor. Because during my internal examination (IE) he found out that my uterus is soft and will cause me to have preterm labor that will result in giving birth at 7 months.

During our visits, I always saw a list of cesarean schedules on my Ob’s wall. I ask him to confirm if it’s for CS, he said yes it is. I reach home and I can’t stop thinking about it. I don’t want to be on that list! I really want to have a normal birth. I am health-conscious throughout my pregnancy. I watch what I eat and always keep track of my weight as well as my baby. I always make sure that both of us have the ideal weight. I don’t want to be fat nor thin, just the right weight for pregnant women.

I conditioned my mind and emotionally prepared myself that I will have a normal birth. It is not because of the expenses. We know that giving birth via CS section is expensive, but I really wanted to have and experience a vaginal birth. I am positive that I can make it.

It was during my last few check-ups, I already feel contractions. It was false labor pains that are also known for the term Braxton Hicks contractions. I have an idea about it because I read a lot about pregnancy. After my IE my OB told me that my cervix is small and he is suspicious that I will have difficulty in a normal delivery. Even before I was open about him how I wanted a normal delivery. He also told me that we will still have trial labor. I was disappointed with what he just told me, but I still have high hopes that I can still have a normal delivery. 

I started to think that my OB just wanted me to have a CS birth. I know that it’s easier for OBs’ to deliver a baby via CS rather than a normal birth and the pay was also good compared to the normal one. He even pushing me to deliver via CS because he told me I can even choose a date if I decided to have one. I feel that he is not into vaginal birth.

I ignored the feeling of uneasiness towards my Ob. I am more focused on my baby, and as much as possible I avoid too much thinking that can affect both my baby and me.

It was this late noon, I just had my lunch. I was sitting on the couch then suddenly I feel water gushed in my pants, it’s not a lot but it was enough for my pants to get wet. I immediately call my Ob and he advises me to go to the hospital as soon as possible.

My Ob immediately does IE when we reach the hospital. We found out that the opening of my cervix is still 3cm but my water broke already. It’s not a good sign according to him. He then told me to have an emergency CS. I cried after hearing that, not that I ‘m scared but of disappointment with the outcome.

Things went very fast. The next thing I know is I’m lying in the bed, groggy with all the anesthesia. Seeing the operating room, my Ob together with his team, I feel scared and nervous but still managed to keep myself calm and continuously praying in my mind. At 5;30 pm I heard my baby girl cried. I was so elated. my heart leaped with happiness and thank God that everything was successful and both of us were ok. I kissed my baby for the first time. The long wait is over!

But with that so much happiness, I can’t still remove in my mind that I didn’t have my dream birth. I really feel less like a mother. I feel like a failure. You can’t blame me for feeling that way. After all that conditioning and confidence that I can have a normal birth, I still didn’t manage to have a normal delivery. Luckily,  I get the support I need from my husband who told me that I can’t control the situation and that if my Ob didn’t decide immediately the life of my baby as well as mine will be in danger. The worst is my baby will be confined in the hospital and will take antibiotics. I can’t even bear the pain in my heart just thinking that the situation will turn that way. Thank God both of us are in good condition, and finally after 9 months of waiting I can finally hold my baby. All the pain that I feel from the operation is worth it when I’m looking at my baby.

So for all the fellow moms who also gave birth via Cesarean section, don’t be hard on yourself and always have someone to talk to if you ever feel disappointments. Be it your husband, friends or family. Always remember that whatever ways you gave birth will not measure the love you had with your child. A big salute to all moms out there! We are all in this together.

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