The hardest battle a mother can ever have, is the battle she has within herself.
How are you feeling today?
Me, I am not in a good state but I am moving forward. One step at a time. Slow and tired. Can you imagine how it feels like when there’s a feeling of a huge black hole inside you? It keeps on sucking your energy and motivation out, making it hard to go on with your everyday life.
Depression is invisible. Sometimes, it’s the small things that left unnoticed. Not minding that pile of laundry sitting on the chair for weeks, the dishes from the last evening when your husband was at home, your kid messing up with the baby powder all over your floor for hours because you feel that you are too tired to deal with it. You have all the time to keep up with the house chores but instead you are mindlessly staring at your desktop monitor for an hour. Your body was there but your mind was floating somewhere else. Your mind takes you back into that time where you should forget about all the things that happened. Blaming yourself over and over again about it. Blaming people for not understanding you when you can’t even understand yourself.
I’m not even productive but I’m tired. My mind is tired.
The good in the bad.
As the famous quote says, “Nobody is perfect” but I have this ugly feeling that I should be. I can be as good as the mother I saw at the mall last January sharing funny stories with her husband about their child but instead I am having an hour of silent treatment with my husband because he can’t keep up with my anger episodes. My child was crying her lungs out but I am there doing nothing to calm her because I am also busy sorting my thoughts to calm myself. For some people in that food court, they looked at me as If I am being neglectful with my husband and daughter. That I am a bad mother and irresponsible wife. What they didn’t know, this is the method my husband and I used to manage my episodes in a public place. Because once my episodes are not sorted by the time it happens, I will eventually lose my mind and wouldn’t remember a single thing about myself. But God left one important thing inside my troubled mind, I still know that I am a mother to my child. Once, I lose myself.. I am going to be an overprotective mother to my daughter. I hugged her tight, so that no one can take her away from me.
And for that, I am relieved and thankful. That makes the chaos better in my favor.
Explaining yourself to everyone around you is the most exhausting part. Most people would say..
“Nasa isip mo lang yan!”
“Ikaw ang nagpapasok nyan sa isip mo! Wag mo kaming sisihin dyan.”
“Labanan mo yan!”
“Mahina kasi isip mo. Bakit ako kinakaya ko naman?”
“Nag-iinarte ka lang!”
and that hits like a stabbing knife. You know it’s coming but you don’t know how to defend yourself so you let it struck you. Right in your heart.
Drawing out the blood and tears that you’ve been hiding all this time.
Then you explode.
You’re frantically shouting your pain with so much anger and sadness. Your world starts to get small and shut you down as you shout your heart out. They can’t understand you the way you want to understand yourself too. They mistook your anger episodes with attitude problem, ditching the idea that depression is real and anger can be one of your depression episodes.
After the madness, they still didn’t acknowledge your feelings and your depression.
You are now left alone. Still not understood.
Your world became small. Family, friends and colleagues left because you are getting too hard to deal with. You are a hopeless case. To them, You are just a burden.
The light at the end of the tunnel.
I finally seek help. 2 years ago, I was initially diagnosed with Postpartum Psychosis. But now, things are getting better. I don’t need to take handful of medications to function well. What I needed is support, My psychiatrist said that I should seek support where it was already available. Where?
In my loving Husband Ruben.
He’s kind, funny, patient and understanding. He knows my condition and treats me well. He knows how to handle my anger episodes. He gives me encouragement to move forward and do better in life.
He encouraged me to go back to our home. He said that I don’t need to put up with people who let me down. And this time, we will not look back. He promised me to provide me the tools that I needed to start anew even when he is left with nothing but his last salary. He encouraged me to enhance my skills and start taking online courses to keep my mind busy. He chose a very nice desktop set-up for my online class. Very fancy set-up with flashing led lights on keyboard, mouse and CPU. A set-up that can also called a gaming desktop set-up. Hmm? Weird coincidence, because he is a gamer. It looks like somebody’s going to sneak at night playing games. Haha!
Well I guess, I’ve disappointed him this time huh? I am writing about this ugly side of my life once again instead of keeping my mind busy with more important things.
Every time when chaos happens, we always go back to our home in Taguig. We have done it for more than a year. Going back and forth, packing our things after several months and hoping for things to get better when we arrive in Caloocan but instead we were always denied of being included and understood. I always wanted to be there and include myself even when I have almost nothing to offer. I made myself too small to be acknowledged and appreciated. After a year of trying, I guess it is just meant to be that way.
I don’t know what is God’s plans for us but I put my trust in Him. He took care of our needs. We are left with nothing and yet we are striving. God really provides.
When I left Caloocan, I feel more light, my heart is at peace. I feel that I can be myself again. No one would shove motherhood perfection as I was left alone with my daughter at our home in Taguig. I am moving at my own phase, not rushing and trying to be a perfect mom. I am striving and moving forward. I may not taking a leap but I am putting my best foot forward in every single step of my way. Slowly but surely.
I’VE UNLOCKED MY DAUGHTER’S MESSAGE.
I realized that she keeps on saying the word “Mi, sorry” days after we got home here in Taguig. Before I tuck my daughter to sleep, she keeps mumbling words. She’s kissing my cheeks, hugging me tight and saying sorry to me. Maybe she said it already more than a hundred times in almost every moment of our day and I am not aware of it. She’s only 2 and bulol pa. That’s why I can’t understand what she is trying to say. Maybe she heard me cry after I put her to sleep every single night. That’s why she’s sorry. She feels sorry that I am sad and crying every night. I thought that she’s also trying to say sorry because all of these ugly things happened after I brought her to this world. My depression is Postpartum. People starts to leave me one by one after I gave birth. My best friends, colleagues and even my own family. She’s sorry that I am left with no one but her and her dad. In the top most floor of my in-laws’ home stuck during the pandemic with just a single view of outside from our window everyday.
Tonight, My heart felt like she’s saying sorry in behalf of people who misunderstood me and I am forgiving them so I can forgive myself. No one wants to have depression. I didn’t chose this battle but this battle chose me. Gathering all the faith that was left in me, I am choosing to end this battle in a good way.. in God’s way.
Now, I understand why I am here.
The only people whose willing to understand and appreciate me without expecting anything in return are my husband and my sweet daughter. They’re all I ever need.
Maybe for some people, I’m a burden and I’m not good enough.. but to my sweet little girl, I am the best.
And that’s what really matters.
“Hold on, Dear.
There’s a light at the end of the tunnel.“