Decisions… Choices…

“If you were given one do-over, anything in your life, what would it be?”

13 going 30 movie, 2004

30 years of existence, I find myself looking up at the ceiling in our four-walled room, many questions that can help me ease my anxiety. What if I never gave up my career? Would life be still the same again?

I was at the peak of my career having the best companies that I worked, having the salary that I wanted, being an independent person. 

But all that I have suddenly changed. When I got pregnant, I stopped working focusing on my pregnancy and taking care of my baby. In an instant the independent, career woman known turned unto jobless, stay at home mom. The industry world became the four corners of my parent’s home.

As years passed, I felt being the worthless person in the family. I cannot provide financially to my kids when my husband has no schedule for work in the ship, I cannot buy the things that I wanted because I don’t have my own money. 

Seeing my friends and colleagues before climbing those corporate ladders of high positions in the company, well-compensated and carrier-based that everyone wanted. All of these feed me to feel to become small and insecure. It always took me the regret why the choice of being at home. I should have been a working mom like everyone does but I still choose to be the one taking care of my child.

I could have done being in a corporate world again but another blessing came to our world which gives me less opportunity to work again. This hit me so strong that I lose hope in getting back on my feet. How would people react? How my friends might say? I had another baby on the way and the gap was less than a year.

But being with my kids and in their every milestone, makes me realize that I made the best decision of staying with them. I may not be able to provide them financially but I am able to provide my love and care that is worth more than a penny in every company that I would work on.

I am not sure of getting my work back on track right now but one thing is for sure, I have my important career in my life now, MOTHER and no one can ever replace that position in my kids’ life. My kids made me more independent than before, more responsible than before and worthful in my kids’ world.

Life gives us hard times to make us realize and see the good things in life. I may have what-ifs and regrets up until now but looking at them makes me realized to see and appreciate what you have. 

-Dionice J. Monsanto

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