The Price I Had to Pay

It was past 7 pm. I was starting to not hear anything around me while I was walking fast, almost running. I can still see the road I was walking although there were few lights. I kept walking until I saw the glass door of the company building. I got in and the lights inside the building struck my eyes. My heartbeat was fast as I was trying to catch my breath. Again, I couldn’t hear my surroundings. I got to the elevator and while it was going up to the 8th floor, I think I heard someone at the back asking me about something but I didn’t have the strength to look behind me. I went out of the elevator without saying a word and walked a few more steps until I saw another glass door going to the locker area and near the production floor. I got in! Almost there! Then it all went black. I woke up in the clinic not knowing what happened. I was rushed to a nearby hospital shortly as I had no heartbeat for a few minutes and they were all scared. What a horrifying experience. Four weeks later, I was writing my resignation letter. It was my dream company. It was hard. I was anxious. I wanted to cry but there were no tears, only cold shaky hands. It was like the end of my career goal. I had big dreams for my family and to me, it all just collapsed.

First Day After Resignation.

I did not want to get out of bed. I needed to rest as the doctor advised me to. The doctor said I was stressed, over fatigued and that I need to change my lifestyle and that includes eating habits. However, we don’t have a household helper. I didn’t get paid for the 4 weeks of my medical leave. I have three children. Two of them are elementary students and my youngest was 2 years old then. I had to get up and be the mother that my kids need. I had to be strong every day. I had to do everything with a smile to make it look easy. I had to make them feel there was nothing to worry about their mom so that they feel safe and secured that I can take care of them. But at night when the chaos of my day is almost over, I feel lost.

A Blessing in Disguise

My daughter was turning seven years old, three days after my resignation. I had no money. It was so heartbreaking to not give her the beautiful 7th birthday party that I planned months before. On her special day, I failed my daughter. It was painful for me as a parent. Still, my daughter was happy. She was happy that I was with her, alive and feeling better. Ohh how blessed I am to have a child who, at a young age, can understand our situation.

Four days after her birthday, it was my sister’s wedding. I had enough rest to take care of my three children: dress them up, feed them, and run after my 2-year-old daughter. I brought everything they needed: clothes, extra dresses, shoes and some extra pairs of them, accessories, gadgets, food, etc. while I was the matron of honor for my sister. I was there. Our whole family was there. It was a very blessed day. The day after the wedding was my sister’s birthday. Yes. Another day to celebrate with her before she leaves our house and lives with her husband. That day was so emotional for my parents, my siblings, and me. There, right there. I called it the week of God’s perfect timing. I lost my job but I was there for my daughter’s birthday and for the most important day of my sister. It was indeed a blessing in disguise.

Two years later…

The past two years were not easy. We’ve had problems financially, and I, emotionally and mentally. It was the price I had to pay for not taking care of myself and not minding what I feel inside. I was immersed in my daily routine and also trying to find other sources of income. I am still a stay-at-home mom. My children are doing great in school. All three of them now. We study lessons and do assignments together noisily, haha! I think they feel secure that mom is walking them to school and fetching them later. I am always present during school meetings. Whenever there is a school event, I’m there to watch and support my kids. I cook Filipino dishes way better now. I also learned how to bake chocolate chip cookies and fudge brownies on my own and sell them for extra cash!

Right now, I am trying to transition from being a SAHM (stay-at-home mom) to a WAHM (work-at-home mom). I know it is worth the time and risk. I am doing this for my family and of course for myself. I need to continue learning and growing because my children are looking up to me. I am their source of strength and happiness and they too are my happy pill and strength booster. I know someday, everything will fall into place. As for now, I am grateful for the opportunity to be with my children 24/7. It is not easy but it is fulfilling and rewarding to be a full-time mom. Whatever price I have to pay to be with my children every day and every night, I’m willing to pay. Time is precious but moments with my children are priceless. And I can never turn back time.

written by:

Mary Grace Cantela

Proverbs 19:21

Many are the plans in a person’s heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails.

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