I am a girl and now a woman with an odd personality. I am a kind of person who would prefer staying at home and lock myself in a room rather than mingle with other people outside. After I was being born and had my first memory, I could experienced hardships and loneliness at that very moment. I can’t recall when my parents shown me love and care. All i can recall is the times that i was crying at the side of our bed while watching my parents quarreling and while my dad is hurting my mom. I experienced the cruelty of my dad when I was a small little girl. He is very stern and “one word is enough” for him. He don’t wanna say it again twice and if I didn’t catch up what He said, then He will gonna shout at me after that. I am a first born child in our family and they gave me responsibility at such a young age. I need to do the household chores while I need to take care also of my baby brother at that time. At such a young age all i want to do is to play with my friends but i can barely do that because of my responsibility. There are times that my father beat me so hard for not doing my job properly because I forgot about them. Everyday it was like a hell for me. I had experience when i am in grade school that my classmate and teacher bullied me because i am a silent type and i don’t know how to fight back at that moment. All i could do is hiding like a “kuhol” inside my shell and those jerks are like a “rooster” fighting during a cockfight. I didn’t experience happiness and love during my childhood years. All of them are trying to hurt me and no one can defend me even my mom cannot defend me that time. That is why I learned and discover setting aside myself in this cruel world. I learned to protect myself by not mingling and by locking myself up inside my room and i learn to be so mean towards the opposite sex also, in that case nobody could hurt me at all. I became a man hater too. After graduation in High School my parents send me to study in college and that is where I met my husband. I had remembered my schoolmates and classmates used to call me “Sanchai” back then, they don’t know me with my real name. Maybe i looked like Sanchai in “meteor garden”(a very famous taiwanese drama series) that time. Then my husband looks like “Hua Tse Lei” too (hahaha).I can say that in the whole campus He is the most handsome one. I can recall all the “kilig” at that moment when i saw this man. We became bf/gf and He is the only one who shown me love, respect and care that i was longing for. He is my first boyfriend and I find it in HIm alone the love that I missed with my father. Even his family are too good to me. They treat me nicely and they respected me for who I am. They are very proud of me especially his mom. She loves hearing me sing because I love singing. Unlike my mom she never appreciated me back then. I am so very blessed upon finding my husband. He has no vices at all and He is very sweet and very protective. We had lasted 8 years being girlfriend and boyfriend then I got pregnant.

I can’t explain my feelings at that moment. I don’t know what to do and i had mixed emotions. We are struggling financially and i don’t know what’s the future may bring if i am about to deliver the baby inside my tummy at that time. I got hired as a pastry chef in a hotel but they soon rejected me once they found out that I am pregnant. That’s when i felt down and hopeless. My husband is jobless at that time too, but then God is really good and never abandoned us in times of trouble. He sent us food and things we need in unexpected ways. Until I delivered my first born.

I cannot explain the feeling of excitement at that time when I first held her in my arms. I was like more on shocked and speechless. Her soft and delicate skin, her red lips and cheeks and her voice when she cries is so amazing to gaze with. It makes me to become a full-time mom until this very moment. I’d love to give all my care and attention to this small little one. I’d like to show her and give her all the things and compassion and love of a parent that once i was longing for. I am not a perfect mother but I will try my very best to be one. All of my worries and disappointments vanishes away when I had my first born. The feeling of being complete is superb. It’s like heaven to me. I love my story. “Life is unpredictable and challenging.” Sometimes we need to suffer or undergo such circumstances to pick and learn a lesson. We sometimes get bullied and oppressed by anybody but it is not going to be the same tomorrow. “There is always a rainbow after the rain” as they say.

Sometimes we easily give up and question God about the bad things that is happening in our lives without even realizing it that it is part of our life to experience that kind of stuff. Without those we cannot learn from our mistakes and we will never grow as an individual. We will be like a stagnant water that will never gonna flow. We will be like an arid land. All i can say is that, “Never ever gonna underestimate the impossible”. Life sometimes like hell yet it will not gonna be the same tomorrow.

Rose Borja

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