To think that I was going to be a mom is exciting, but it is even more astonishing to know that “Hey! This is it, my pregnancy test is positive!!! For REAL… But there are some circumstances that are inevitable and miscarriage is one of those.
Miscarriage is some of the topics that many women don’t want to talk about. I for one was guilty about that.
To be honest I don’t even know how to put into words what I am feeling right now. I know it was over 2 years ago but the ache of devastation, hopelessness, alone is still there. I guess I should start from the beginning.
Test after Test
I was 10 days delayed and I did pregnancy tests a couple of times already. And here I was thinking to myself “here I go it again.” I was so prepared for a negative. I was so prepared for it and to my surprise, I broke down sobbing with happiness when the test read pregnant. A word I thought I would never ever see for myself. I was still a little skeptical about the whole thing so I waited until the next day to do my ultrasound.
The Hour of the Result
November, we went in for my first ultrasound test. I told the lady that we got a positive test at home so I was hopeful. I’m on my 6th weeks when the Sonologist did my ultrasound the only thing he said was “come back next week to check again, I cant see the heartbeat right now maybe next week it might show up.” On my 7th weeks, he said the same thing, I was speechless. I don’t know how to react but I’m hoping everything will be all right by our next visit.
It was the 4th of December my birthday, instead of celebrating somewhere I choose to celebrate it with our future baby in the ultrasound room, hoping and praying that his/her heartbeat will show up soon.
“You are on 9th weeks now, still I can’t see the heartbeat of the baby. There is no heartbeat, your Ob-gyne will be the one to ABORT, rather the D&C. I’m sorry.”
I suddenly felt so cold and numb. The doctor was talking about our baby. My baby that I had been thanking God as our greatest present for my birthday, now gone. It felt so hurtful that we couldn’t manage to tell our family about the bad news.
The Day I never Envision
I never felt this kind of loss. A part of me still asks, “Is this a miscarriage?” why it so early…. but I was pregnant. I have a baby. Not in the normal sense, In a very short time, I was a mom. It was too sudden….that feeling of pure joy gone in an instant. That time I can’t even explain the level of loss, the level of emptiness I felt. I couldn’t breathe, couldn’t process anything. No words can express that feeling of losing a special one inside you which you never got to see. At my bedside, I was sitting, waiting for the drugs to take effect and for the process of the actual miscarriage to start. All I can think about is this sweet baby inside, and how loved he or she was.
After a month my body was back to normal, but it took me nearly 6 months to fully recover and pull myself together from the biggest loss of my life.
The Recovery Period
As I was struggling to get myself back, I did these things:
The art of Acceptance that everything happens for a reason and there is always perfect timing and that is God’s timing, we just have to learn to wait, believe and trust him
I keep my self busy so it won’t cross my mind and let me cry again endless time. I look at it in an affirmative way, perhaps he/she is not meant for us at the moment.
Strengthen the bond of our marriage It is time to focus on our relationship, after all we get our strength from each other to face the reality of life. It is not only my loss, but our loss.
And lastly bond with my family
I am Still Grateful after Miscarriage
I am grateful for the depth of understanding I gained through this experience. I learned that the things we plan for the most will teach us our greatest lessons. Through the experience of my first pregnancy, I have been able to release some of the deep fear and anxiety I had around pregnancy. I am blessed with a husband who supported me through every step of the short pregnancy to its very end with unconditional love and presence. And to my family who always there for me. I AM THANKFUL
“God will fight your battles if you just keep still. He is able to carry you through. Trust Him. Keep standing, keep believing and keep hoping.”
― Germany Kent
P.S. We keep on praying and believing that one day HE will grant us our greatest gift. The gift of life. 30th of July 2018, I give birth to this macho guapitos. (handsome little boy)
Created by: Leslie Ann B. Codilan