The pain of losing a YOU

“The truest and purest meaning of unconditional love can only be found in mother’s love”

It took me a while before I was able to decide what I am going to post on this blog. l thought of “Oh maybe I just share with you guys the different places I’ve been to.” But then again I changed my mind that perhaps it would be nice if I discuss about food, clothing,or maybe about myself until tonight in a snap, I remembered HER.

My mother. The person who gave life to me, nurtured me, guided me from the day I was born until I myself became a mother. We didn’t have a perfect relationship. She is not perfect, the more I am not.

I was reckless…I was bad.. I was not a good daughter…I never treated her how she is supposed to be treated as my mother…I was not respectful.. I was RUDE… it’s too late for me to realize all of those things that I was doing.

Four years ago to be specific, my mother was diagnosed with a very difficult type of cancer that few people only can survive. Multiple Myeloma. It was some kind of a cancer in the bone marrow. It was a shock to the whole family because she was healthy and it happened just like a strike of a lightning. We saw how she gets weaker and weaker as days passed by. I was lost. I was confused. I was broken. The pain is unbearable. How am I going to make up with her? I don’t have much time left. That was the time that REGRET entered my whole being. All I can do is stare at her from one corner and cry. “Mommy, I love you and I am sorry.”

She died four months later after the diagnosis. All the things that she nagged at me about which I always get annoyed, now I realized are all true. Too late for me to thank her and show my appreciation for all the learning. I thought I can carry on without her completely but I was wrong. I longed for you every celebration. I needed your comfort and touch when I was down.I wanted you to play with my child and nephews. I wanted you to see what I have achieved right now. These are all imaginations now.In reality, No matter how many times I repent, I couldn’t bring you back. It’s been years but I still cry every time I remember you. Actually, I was crying the whole time I was making this blog. The pain of losing you will never fade mommy,and I will forever be sorry for my shortcomings.

I know a lot of people could relate to me, Let this be a reminder that we have to do the best we could for our loved one’s happiness while they are still alive.Every second, minute, hours should be valued and be precious.

Let my last paragraph give you this quote from Stephen Vincent Benet ” “Life is not lost by dying; life is lost minute by minute, day by dragging day, in all the thousand small uncaring ways.”

-“Irene Ching”

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